I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
