I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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