there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
