Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Houston, we have a squirter
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
