Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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