I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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