If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
