I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
