Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
