you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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