yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Everything about him screamed your future.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
