My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
