How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
