As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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