Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
