You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
