Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
