The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
