They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Randomize
