I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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