sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
