Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize