the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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