The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
