don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
