so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm too high and old for this...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
