So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
