My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
