i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize