go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am midnight drunk by noon
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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