I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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