i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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