I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
COCAINE IS GR8
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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