Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
