I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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