I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dicks are not precious.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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