She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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