I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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