i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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