I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
