I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
