Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
