I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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