so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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