is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
