Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize