He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
