I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
