Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
