he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
