I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
