Yo dont text me then not text me
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
