Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
