worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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