Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
