WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
