it was like his penis was on wheels.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
