I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In other news, I just burned my penis
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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