u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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