Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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