I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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