Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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