she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
