yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
