hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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